


you are a work of art

by constellation_roses



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Comfort, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dysphoria, Established Relationship, Fluff, Forehead Kisses, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Hugs, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Neil Josten, Soft Andrew Minyard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:54:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27223828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constellation_roses/pseuds/constellation_roses
Summary: Neil struggles with dysphoria one night and Andrew takes care of them with cuddles and love.---"'Come here, baby.' He opens his arms and Neil curls into them again. 'I love you so much. You're so beautiful, love. I wish you didn't have to feel like this. I just want you to be happy.' Andrew whispers into Neil's hair."
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 6
Kudos: 153





	you are a work of art

**Author's Note:**

> for some reason i can only write fanfiction based on my own life as it happens so here's my gender breakdown from an hour ago, which is how long it took me to write this. 
> 
> i didn't edit it at all or even reread it so sorry for any mistakes, its late and i just cried my eyes out bc i hate my body.
> 
> please ignore my blatant abuse of commas.

Sometimes, Neil stays awake, long after Andrew has fallen asleep. Sometimes, everything feels wrong and Neil doesn't know how to fix it. Their anxiety spikes. Talking to anyone at all, even Andrew, feels like a chore. Their skin itches and their chest hurts.

On nights like those, Neil can't sleep until they get the ache in their chest to go away. So they sit on the bed next to Andrew, not touching. Sometimes they cry. Sometimes they look out the window and unfocus. Sometimes they breathe until it loosens and they can lay down again.

Tonight, Neil is crying. Trying not to make any noise that would wake Andrew, but still sobbing. Their arms are tight across their chest, fingernails digging into their shoulders. Neil's earbuds are in, and the song that's been playing over and over starts again. The music is both grounding and a cause for disassociation all at once.

Neil's breath is unsteady, shoulders shaking as tears drip down their face and onto the blanket.

Andrew starts shifting somewhere to Neil's right. They quiet their sobs as much as possible, hoping he'll stay asleep.

They're out of luck. Andrew rolls over, opening his eyes blearily. When he realizes Neil is crying, he's awake in an instant, sitting up quickly.

"Hey, baby," Andrew says softly. "What's going on, love?"

Neil doesn't respond. If anything, their tears come faster.

"Neil." This time, Andrew is more insistent, but still quiet. It's almost like there's a spell on the room. "Can I touch you, love?"

They nod, turning fractionally towards their boyfriend. Andrew takes this as the permission that it is, pulling Neil onto his lap so that they can bury their face in his chest. Andrew runs callused hands through Neil's hair, tugging slightly to keep them grounded.

Neil is still crying into his chest, but the hands that were tugging at their hair are now back against their chest, a protection against the rest of the world. Andrew doesn't mind. He sits with his back against the wall, holding his partner close.

They both knew there would be difficult nights. Each of them have trauma, and sometimes Andrew has to sleep on the couch and sometimes Neil has to have something to hold onto so they know they're real. This is different though, and Andrew can tell. This isn't a trauma reaction. Andrew has categorized those. Memorized the dates that they're most likely to occur on.

This is a new issue, and based on the way Neil is clutching their chest, it's probably gender related, is Andrew's guess. He doesn't need to know right now, nor does he need to speculate. His only job is to take care of his partner while they're feeling vulnerable.

Andrew shifts his arms to hold Neil tightly as he thinks about that.

Eventually, Neil's sobs peter out into hiccups and sniffles. Andrew returns to running a hand through Neil's hair, but he keeps the other wrapped around them, holding them together.

When Neil shifts to wrap their arms around Andrew, he kisses the top of their head, murmuring _I love you_ into their hair. Neil responds with four taps to Andrew's back. _I love you too._

They sit like that for a long time, Neil's head tucked into Andrew's chest, Andrew with his arms around Neil, alternating between looking at them and looking out the window at the lights of the city.

Eventually, Neil pulls away from Andrew, just enough to look at their boyfriend, dried tears on their face. They raise a hand from where it's settled on Andrew's chest, twisting their fist up and down and then bringing their first and second fingers together with their thumb. _Yes or no._

"Yes," Andrew murmurs, already moving closer to Neil.

They kiss softly, and Andrew tastes the salt from Neil's tears on their lips. After a few kisses, though, Neil retreats back into Andrew's arms, squeezing him tightly as if to make sure he was still there.

Andrew knows that sometimes Neil isn't comfortable in their body, and not just because of their scars or the fact that they look like their father. Being nonbinary adds an odd layer to dysphoria that usually ends in Neil wanting to tear their skin off.

There isn't any process to being nonbinary. Neil's documents are all marked with an X instead of an F or M, but they have no interest in surgeries or hormones. They still get dysphoria though, which makes the lack of process worse. There's nothing to alleviate the discomfort. Usually, this is when Neil devolves into tears, trying not to feel like ripping their body to shreds.

When Andrew checks on Neil this time, they're breathing better. The knot in their chest has eased enough that they'll be able to sleep soon.

"Neil, baby. Look at me," Andrew says. "Why didn't you wake me up? Why did you let me sleep in the first place?"

Neil shrugs, but doesn't look Andrew in the eye, which means they didn't want to bother him.

"It's not a bother when it's you, love. You know this. I want to take care of you when you feel like this." Andrew doesn't typically use pet names, but when Neil is feeling bad, he lets himself be softer and more affectionate. It's important that Neil knows he loves them, especially when their brain isn't working right.

Neil looks like they're going to cry again.

"Come here, baby." He opens his arms and Neil curls into them again. "I love you so much. You're so beautiful, love. I wish you didn't have to feel like this. I just want you to be happy." Andrew whispers into Neil's hair.

Neil melts even more, turning soft and sleepy. They tug at Andrew's shirt, a nonverbal cue to lay down so they can sleep.

This is typical, after a moment like this. Neil will wake up in the morning back to their normal self, but for now they need love and reassurance, and Andrew will give them that.

Andrew lays down, pulling Neil down with him. They slide off to the side, laying half on the bed and half on Andrew, one arm draped over his chest and the other tucked against their own. If he's honest, he thinks it's adorable. Not that he would ever say it out loud.

Neil falls asleep fairly quickly, breath evening out as they unconsciously nuzzle into Andrew.

Andrew stays awake a little longer, watching his partner sleep and making sure they stay that way. Eventually, he relaxes, satisfied that Neil won't wake up until the morning. Andrew closes his eyes then, drifting off to sleep with Neil in his arms. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!


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